I’ve always known I was queer. looking back, I can remember clear, pivotal moments in my life where I became conscious of this part of my identity. The first being a vivid moment deep in the past when I was no older than 8.
It was raining heavily as I left the cemetery with my conservative grandmother after going to pick out the headstone for her sister who had been tragically struck and killed right in front of her in a hit-and-run several weeks prior. Despite the torrential downpour and nature of the task, the mood was surprisingly un-somber as we drove past the gravestones that lined the hills of the sleepy midwestern town. My grammy always had a way of compartmentalizing the pain so deep that even her own children could not recall her shedding a single tear.
If you were alive in the early 2000’s you know t.a.t.u’s controversial hit “All the Things She Said“. Great song, questionable video, and cringeworthy outcome when it later was discovered that the underage singers were not in fact lesbians and the whole thing was an intricate PR stunt orchestrated by their Russian music label. One of the singers has even said being gay was “unnatural” and she would condemn her son if he was gay. And I won’t even get into the harmful effects of sexualizing minors and women-loving-women (but a little more on that later). MTV was well on its way out by this point so I wasn’t familiar with the video but I loved the song and so did my Grammy, and the 11-track mix CD my mom had made her cycled around to that song as we began to leave the cemetery.
I’m still not sure why, but my grandma asked if I had seen the video to the song. I replied “No” and she went on to explain the general concept: the two girls singing are lesbian school girls kissing in the rain and “people weren’t very happy about that” it was “all over the news”. I knew what being a gay male meant (thanks to older boys in school using the F slur and calling everything “gay” all the time) but I had never heard that word before. My grammy said “A lesbian is when girls are in love with other girls”, something I had never even thought of until that moment. Something clicked and I was never the same.
After another conscious moment of realization at age 12, one that resulted in me having the explicit thought “Oh I’M gay!” (thank you Hayley Williams of Paramore, that concert changed my life in more ways than one obviously), I came out to several people at school. I started to have flirtationships and eventually a more serious relationship with a girl at age 13 almost 14 (she was 16 and closeted, yikes). I was outed to my parents by an anonymous person sending them a link to my Tumblr page where I had shared that I had starved myself, harmed myself, had a brief but severe drinking problem, and was out as bisexual at school and had dated girls and boys, all by the age of 14. My parents were more focused on making sure I received help for the other issues but I still had to address it with them.
My mom, who is what I call “gay adjacent” due to the fact that all of her friends and her interests are inherently gay, tried to comfort me by saying “it’s totally ok, everyone experiments” which is literally the opposite of what you’re supposed to say. For years and years, my mom acted like my coming out never happened or was just some “phase”, despite me bringing home girls and introducing them as my “girlfriend”. Her best friend and a father figure in my life (that happened to be gay) also told my mom he didn’t think I was actually queer, which still stings even though he’s since passed and I forgave him. My mom has since fully accepted that this is who I am and have always been and is as Jamie Lee Curtis recently put it “a Greatful Student” of my queerness.
My father wasn’t surprised in the slightest and looking back, he must’ve known subconsciously cause one year for Christmas he gave me a sexy Rams cheerleader calender. My stepmom on the other hand is more religious and cited the bible as her reasoning that she “still loved me, but could never accept me”. Now, my stepmom is the only one who corrects people when they talk about me ending up with a “husband” and easily adapted to using they/them pronouns for my friends and exes (although not me which is a story for another time).
I grew up in a time when bisexual erasure and sexualization was rampant. I was told to “pick sides” or that bi people are either just experimenting or they’re actually exclusively homosexual and don’t know/aren’t ready to accept it. I was too gay for the straights and too straight for the gays, leaving me with no one to relate to. I was used sexually and led on romantically by straight or closeted girls who wanted to experiment since I was one of the only people out at my school. And don’t even get me started on how “hot” lesbians and bisexuals were to men and the way I was encouraged by my committed male partners to hook up with girls because “they didn’t count as cheating”. These stigmas and behaviors were set by the media at the time and reinforced by the people that I interacted with on a daily basis. This left lasting scars beneath my perceived straight, cis exterior.
Flash forward to now. TikTok has become the catalyst for societal and social trends and recently an anomaly has occurred when it comes to bisexuality. Not only is it accepted to be openly bi, but people are coming out as bi simply for clout. young creators have been exposed for queerbaiting and it’s moved beyond the social media app and infiltrated pop culture, media, and even politics. Most of these people probably are bisexual but many have been caught faking it for social status points. and where is the line between taking pride in who you are and using it as social currency? There’s nonstop discourse about pansexuality vs bisexuality and if the bi stands for 2 genders (it doesn’t). Constant arguments over what is more inclusive and who is more progressive- all getting us nowhere.
On one hand, I’m so happy the pendulum has swung so far and the next generation can hopefully grow up without the shame and hate and loneliness and trauma so many before them had to endure, but so few teens even know who Marsha P Johnson was. They haven’t faced the type of hatred or othering that birthed and united the Queer community, they’ve never had to find solace in their chosen family. Most don’t seem to care to learn their history or respect their elders that paved the way for them.
I don’t want this to come off as a “holier than thou” mentality, or the bitter old person saying “I suffered so they should too”. I think I just don’t want the younger generation to take this newfound acceptance for granted and I want all of us in the LGBTQIA+ community to come together as a family (corny I know, but I’m being sincere). The world changed so quick and that gives me so much hope for the future, but I think the world can only progress if people unpack their privileges and learn how we got to where we are now. This topic is so nuanced and there are still so many countries in the world where it’s illegal to be queer, but things will never change unless all of us, especially the next generations, a.k.a. Gen Z, Gen Alpha and younger, educate themselves on queer history and get passionate about the community.
There are so many wonderful resources online where young people can get an eduGAYtion like:
A brief history of lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender social movements
To all my baby bi’s out there, don’t forget that this piece of you is your invitation to a beautiful, creative, loving, and accepting family, and just because you may not NEED us like so many before you, you’re still one of us and our arms are always open.
your queerdo,
Indi
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by indi – they/them – IG @luvthat.4u
indi/tessa is the founder, curator, and editor-in-chief of HELLA mag. they grew up on the beautiful island of maui and now reside in the queer capital of the US, the bay area, california. no matter what medium, self-expression is a number one priority of theirs and they wish to connect with the world through their work and empower others to express themselves by giving them an independent, authentic, and earnest platform. a magazine for us.
