I was so young and so naive when we met. Only 18, on my own in the world for the first time. And so were you. But I promise this isn’t your typical cliche college bullshit. Or maybe it is considering how many people could relate to my last letter.
You were sweet and charming at first. As soon as you knew you had me wrapped around your finger, that’s when you started treating me like shit. This was something I watched you do with every single new person you met but stupid me, I thought I was different.
I left the last letter with the sentiment “I hope you miss me too” and while I can finally look back and see that you never cared about me as much as I wanted you to, I do know you still think about me. Your name is always there on my social media. Often times one of the first to see my stories. Every once in a while, we start to have a polite conversation but it always ends up with one of us leaving the other on read.
But isn’t it funny how you’re so blind to something when you’re in the middle of it. Distance can bring you so much clarity.
The first time we hooked up, I used you.
I used you as a way to escape my abusive relationship because I knew he would see my location and know that I spent the night somewhere else. It worked. Him and I broke up but there was something about our chemistry that I just couldn’t let go of. Throughout that year and a half, no matter who I was infatuated with that week, I only really wanted attention from you. So I settled for being used.
I don’t think I really ever cared about you, at least not in a deep way. It may sound braggy or shitty but you were the only person that I’ve ever wanted that I couldn’t truly have. The deep feelings were never actually there. Or maybe that’s just what I tell myself.
After you left, I settled into a relationship with the guy that replaced you. I remember when you called me out for it and pointed out the fact that he knew I was vulnerable and swooped in when he had a chance. I hated that you knew that because deep down I did too.
That relationship started to get really bad really fast. And as I tend to do, I tried to ruin it before it got worse. I needed an escape because no matter how hard I tried to leave, he manipulated me into staying. So I texted you.
And it was the first time I didn’t enjoy having sex with you. And I’m pretty sure you made me call me own Uber home. Again, I used you as a destructive way to leave my relationship. Except this time, I fucked up because I didn’t tell my boyfriend. I didn’t tell him for almost a year because I was scared of what he would do to me, or you, if I did.
When things nearly got physical, I knew I had to end it for good so I told him. I had never seen him so calm and that terrified me even more. He claimed he saw me getting in your car that night. He even called you the night that I told him, I’m not sure why, but you played dumb the whole time. So I guess part of you cared about something, even if it was just yourself.
I almost saw you when I was in town a few months ago but while I was sitting all alone on campus during Thanksgiving, it finally hit me that whatever I had built up in my head before was a delusion and we had always just been consensually using each other. I allowed myself to have feelings for you because I knew you’d never have them back. You were safe and emotionally unavailable and seeing you regularly was the stability and intimacy I pretended I was too strong and independent to need.
With you, I was able to understand my sexuality and work through the unhealthy mindset about sex that I had obtained in high school. You were the first person I could be 100% myself around and I was more addicted to that feeling of freedom than I was you.
So every night that I was in town, you texted and called and DMed me on Instagram and Snapchat – for the first time I knew that you did really want me. But I decided on that first night, and every night after that, that whatever we had didn’t deserve any more screentime.
I can finally close this chapter and wish you well, but I redact any “thank you’s” or “I miss you’s” cause I don’t owe you anything. We both got what we needed out of whatever weird symbiotic relationship we had so what’s the point in continuing.
Take Care (or don’t),
T
HELLA 